Grief

I wrote this right after I lost Toby.  I just needed to put down how I was feeling, in a sense, to purge my thoughts...Since writing this I have come to realize several things about myself and grief.

• No two people grieve the same, not the same length & not in the same way.  Each person is unique and so is their grief.
• After 43 years of marriage, my grief will not disappear in a year, or two.  As I approach the 2nd anniversary of Toby’s passing I still sometimes feel overcome with such grief that I can barely breath. I was with Toby most of my life and being without him is a journey I am still taking every day. 
• Everything changes in your life. Everything...nothing is the same. Nothing! 
• God’s got this! When I’m in the depths, God’s got this! When I can’t pray, God’s got this! When I don’t know what to do, God’s got this! When I feel guilt, God’s got this! When a light comes on in my car, God’s got this! When I’m having a great day, God’s got this! When laughter comes, God’s got this! 
• God has never abandoned me, and I will be Fine because God’s got this!

April 3, 2018

I lost my husband of almost 43 years just a little over a week ago and sometimes the grief is more than I can bear. Nothing prepares you for that overwhelming sense of loss and aloneness. My sweet Toby was a humble man and he loved me and his children, just couldn’t quit smoking. That is what ultimately took him from me. He started smoking when he was 15 and just could never kick the habit though he did try a few times. Now he is gone and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life without him. Nothing prepares you for the moments when grief overwhelms you and you just lose it. The moments that grief hits are random and crazy, like just now I went to the grocery store to get a few things and it was the first time that I had to buy for one, I didn’t have to think about what Toby might would like to eat, or a special something for him. Just for me, just what I wanted, and all of the sudden I just lost it in the grocery store, stumbled to my car and started sobbing.  The grief so palatable that I could almost taste it and it consumed every part of me. My heart is broken and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone says grief comes in stages, well right now I feel raw and torn and sad and angry and broken. Every part of me just wants to roll up in a ball and give in to it. People say, you are so strong, you will get through it, but right now I don’t want to get through it, I just want to wallow in it and feel every bit of it and let it consume me. They say it will get easier, how can it? I’ve known Toby since I was 19 years old, he was my life, he taught me how to love, how to be a wife, a mother, a friend, fish, clean a fish, mow a yard, cook out, garden and most importantly how to laugh and love. He loved a good laugh and a good story and now there is no one here to make me laugh or to tell me a story, or to cook for or anything and I feel lost. I know other women have gone through this and have come out ok but right now I can’t even imagine feeling ok, nor do I really want to.  

Not only is there grief, but the anger is just as real. He had been warned time and time again that he needed to take care of himself and he didn’t, he always thought he could beat it, but this time he didn’t. I think maybe he knew he had screwed up this time, somehow he knew he was dying, but I honestly thought I had more time with him. Little did I know that he would say goodnight to me and I would never see him alive again. I still can’t believe it. It’s like living in a nightmare and hoping to wake up, but you never do. Oh, Toby, why did you leave me? Oh, God, why couldn’t he stay a little longer? I need him to tell me one more time, that it’s going to be okay, one more time that he loves me. I can’t even remember if I told him I loved him before I went to bed. I hope he knows I did. I hope he knows I loved him so and I’m sorry for all the times I was so short or frustrated with him. I hope he knows that he was the love of my life and I don’t know how I will go on without him. Oh, Lord, help me!! 

My friend Bea who has been through the loss of her husband told me the thing that helped her was to get up every day and thank God for one thing about her husband so here goes.

• I'm thankful that he became a Christian and is with Jesus
• I’m thankful that he was a kind man
• I’m thankful that he loved his children
• I’m thankful that he loved me
• I’m thankful for his patience with me
• I loved his face… I’m thankful for his face
• I’m thankful that everyone liked Toby
• I’m thankful he was a good friend to everyone.  He made everyone feel important
• I’m thankful he loved a good laugh and loved to pull pranks
• I’m thankful he would tell stories about his life
• I’m thankful he loved to sit outside on the deck with me.  I really miss that.
• I’m thankful that he gave me my dogs, Isabel and Sophie
• I’m thankful that he chose me to be his wife. 
• I’m thankful that he studied the Bible with such freshness which allowed me to see the Word with new eyes. 
• I’m thankful that we went on several trips over the last few years that were really out of his comfort zone.
• I’m thankful for the good and bad times we went through. 
• I’m thankful that he was the kind of father who spent hours outside teaching his children how to throw, hit a ball and just play. 
• I’m thankful he knew how to make up games for the kids when they were stuck inside. 
• I’m thankful he wasn’t critical of my cooking in the beginning of our marriage. He basically ate whatever I fixed.
• I’m thankful for 43 years with him. 
• I’m thankful that Toby was my person.
• I'm thankful that I will see him again one day.