Grief

I wrote this right after I lost Toby.  I just needed to put down how I was feeling, in a sense, to purge my thoughts...Since writing this I have come to realize several things about myself and grief.

• No two people grieve the same, not the same length & not in the same way.  Each person is unique and so is their grief.
• After 43 years of marriage, my grief will not disappear in a year, or two.  As I approach the 2nd anniversary of Toby’s passing I still sometimes feel overcome with such grief that I can barely breath. I was with Toby most of my life and being without him is a journey I am still taking every day. 
• Everything changes in your life. Everything...nothing is the same. Nothing! 
• God’s got this! When I’m in the depths, God’s got this! When I can’t pray, God’s got this! When I don’t know what to do, God’s got this! When I feel guilt, God’s got this! When a light comes on in my car, God’s got this! When I’m having a great day, God’s got this! When laughter comes, God’s got this! 
• God has never abandoned me, and I will be Fine because God’s got this!

April 3, 2018

I lost my husband of almost 43 years just a little over a week ago and sometimes the grief is more than I can bear. Nothing prepares you for that overwhelming sense of loss and aloneness. My sweet Toby was a humble man and he loved me and his children, just couldn’t quit smoking. That is what ultimately took him from me. He started smoking when he was 15 and just could never kick the habit though he did try a few times. Now he is gone and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life without him. Nothing prepares you for the moments when grief overwhelms you and you just lose it. The moments that grief hits are random and crazy, like just now I went to the grocery store to get a few things and it was the first time that I had to buy for one, I didn’t have to think about what Toby might would like to eat, or a special something for him. Just for me, just what I wanted, and all of the sudden I just lost it in the grocery store, stumbled to my car and started sobbing.  The grief so palatable that I could almost taste it and it consumed every part of me. My heart is broken and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone says grief comes in stages, well right now I feel raw and torn and sad and angry and broken. Every part of me just wants to roll up in a ball and give in to it. People say, you are so strong, you will get through it, but right now I don’t want to get through it, I just want to wallow in it and feel every bit of it and let it consume me. They say it will get easier, how can it? I’ve known Toby since I was 19 years old, he was my life, he taught me how to love, how to be a wife, a mother, a friend, fish, clean a fish, mow a yard, cook out, garden and most importantly how to laugh and love. He loved a good laugh and a good story and now there is no one here to make me laugh or to tell me a story, or to cook for or anything and I feel lost. I know other women have gone through this and have come out ok but right now I can’t even imagine feeling ok, nor do I really want to.  

Not only is there grief, but the anger is just as real. He had been warned time and time again that he needed to take care of himself and he didn’t, he always thought he could beat it, but this time he didn’t. I think maybe he knew he had screwed up this time, somehow he knew he was dying, but I honestly thought I had more time with him. Little did I know that he would say goodnight to me and I would never see him alive again. I still can’t believe it. It’s like living in a nightmare and hoping to wake up, but you never do. Oh, Toby, why did you leave me? Oh, God, why couldn’t he stay a little longer? I need him to tell me one more time, that it’s going to be okay, one more time that he loves me. I can’t even remember if I told him I loved him before I went to bed. I hope he knows I did. I hope he knows I loved him so and I’m sorry for all the times I was so short or frustrated with him. I hope he knows that he was the love of my life and I don’t know how I will go on without him. Oh, Lord, help me!! 

My friend Bea who has been through the loss of her husband told me the thing that helped her was to get up every day and thank God for one thing about her husband so here goes.

• I'm thankful that he became a Christian and is with Jesus
• I’m thankful that he was a kind man
• I’m thankful that he loved his children
• I’m thankful that he loved me
• I’m thankful for his patience with me
• I loved his face… I’m thankful for his face
• I’m thankful that everyone liked Toby
• I’m thankful he was a good friend to everyone.  He made everyone feel important
• I’m thankful he loved a good laugh and loved to pull pranks
• I’m thankful he would tell stories about his life
• I’m thankful he loved to sit outside on the deck with me.  I really miss that.
• I’m thankful that he gave me my dogs, Isabel and Sophie
• I’m thankful that he chose me to be his wife. 
• I’m thankful that he studied the Bible with such freshness which allowed me to see the Word with new eyes. 
• I’m thankful that we went on several trips over the last few years that were really out of his comfort zone.
• I’m thankful for the good and bad times we went through. 
• I’m thankful that he was the kind of father who spent hours outside teaching his children how to throw, hit a ball and just play. 
• I’m thankful he knew how to make up games for the kids when they were stuck inside. 
• I’m thankful he wasn’t critical of my cooking in the beginning of our marriage. He basically ate whatever I fixed.
• I’m thankful for 43 years with him. 
• I’m thankful that Toby was my person.
• I'm thankful that I will see him again one day.

Frazzled

I got a little frazzled today. I know those of you that know me think that might not be so unusual, but the reason for it today was different. I was meeting someone for lunch in Auburn, arrived about 30 minutes earlier than I was supposed to so decided to sit in the car and wait. As you know the parking in Auburn is a definite issue, so wasn't really surprised to see a security guard walking around the lot I was in. As I was sitting there, a man parked, got out of his car carrying a back pack and the guard went up to him.  I didn't hear the conversation, didn't want to, don't know who was right or wrong, but what I saw really got to me. I saw two grown men yelling at each other and getting in each other's faces really arguing.  They went back and forth for about 5 minutes or so, the man got back in his car moved it to another side of the same parking lot and the security guard followed him over there and they began again. To be honest, I thought they were going to throw punches at each other because their argument seemed so intense. The place I was meeting my friend finally opened so I got out of my car and went inside glad to be in a somewhat safer place.

The interesting thing about all of this is, I was sitting in my car going over a devotional that related so much to the scene that it was like God was giving me a show and tell. In choir we are doing a devotional book together called "Draw the Circle" The 40 Day Prayer Challenge and today's was about allowing God to 'contend' for you. The very first line says "God loves it when we fight for Him. But God loves it even more when we let Him fight for us!" I couldn't help but think about all the fighting we do, basically over 'parking places' when what we really need to do it step back, hit our knees and let God 'contend' for us. 
                       Psalm 35:22-23 "O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent,
                                                    Do not be far from me, O Lord. 
                                                    Awake, and rise to my defense!    
                                                    Contend for me, my God and Lord."

My prayer today is that we would all, step back, hit our knees and let God "contend" for us.

Stuff

Everyone has stuff, some of us have too much.  I'm finding that in my own life.  I just have too much stuff.  My kids keep telling me to start getting rid of it now so they won't have to. I agree, but when it comes down to it how do I decide what to part with and what to keep?  It's a struggle.

Some of you may be good at parting with things, I know my daughter, Amber is good at helping me part with my stuff, but when it comes to her books, not so much.  She has a full library! I love my things though, not like, I couldn't live without them love, but a comfort kind of love.  They make me smile.  I have a collection of angels, and I can pretty much decorate a whole Christmas tree with nothing but angels, not to mention all the ones I have sitting around.  I know I need to part with some of them, but which ones?  How do I choose?  I can remember each one, who gave it to me, or where I got it and believe me that's saying something, when I can barely remember my own name. I also love pottery!  I just love the look and feel of a little bowl, made from some ones hands.  When I go to a arts and craft fair, that is what I am drawn to. 

So back to down sizing, how do I choose?  What do I keep and what do I choose to give up?

I remember when I was 10 and going to the Children's Home in Lakeland, I might have had the clothes I had on and maybe another set, but that was pretty much all I had.  I didn't have anything that I could say was truly mine.  That first Christmas at the Children's Home they gave me a doll. I named him Willie, don't ask me why, I just did.  I was 11.  That seems pretty old to be getting a doll, but back then we still played with dolls at 11 (at least I did). Anyway, Willie was a doll that had been pieced together.  His head is a different color from his body.  I didn't care though, I loved Willie.  The other night I got to thinking about where Willie was and I couldn't find him.  All of the sudden I went into panic mode and searched the house through.  No Willie.  I called Amber and asked her if she had Willie, she looked and said she didn't, but she didn't tease me or laugh, because Amber knows how important Willie is to me. You see, when you are alone, or feel alone, and don't have anything of your own and finally get something that is just yours, there is that feeling of comfort.  I can't really describe it to someone that's never been in that situation, but it's that feeling of having something that is yours, and doesn't have to be shared, and doesn't have to be left behind, or sold.  It's something to hold on to when your world is crumbling around you. 

I am blessed to work at BigHouse Foundation two days a week in my retirement.  It is a gift from God for me to be there, because you see...  I was one of those kids.  I was one who didn't have anything of my own, who gets taken to a place with strangers with nothing but what you have on. I  am blessed to give back in a small way. I get to meet these wonderful foster parents who take in children and treat them as their own and be a part of helping them find clothes, toys, & resources that help these parents take care of the kids entrusted to them.

I believe God gave this gift to me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't counsel the parents, or kids,  I clean refrigerators, closets, sort clothes, vacuum, but I have never felt more complete in my life.  I feel like God has led me through everything to this point. How wonderful to know that when I was 10 years old, scared and feeling alone, God knew that there would be such a time as this!

By the way, after searching everywhere and going through every tub in the utility room, I finally found Willie.  So in my decluttering, Willie will not be a casualty.  All is right with the world!


Willie

Retirement

February 11, 2016

Well, I did it! I retired and I've got to say there are some really great things about being retired as well as some...shall we say, challenging things. I retired in September and although I didn't really plan on retiring this soon, God laid it upon my heart that this was the time, so here I am....60 years old, and retired. When I first decided to retire, a friend who is already retired suggested to me that I not make any solid commitments for the first 6 months and it was some of the best advice I received. 

I worried that I wouldn't have enough to do, but that hasn't proven to be the case. The first few months, Toby and I stripped the deck, washed it down, and painted it. Then we totally emptied our utility room, built shelves, and went through everything and put it back. After that there was a repair that needed to be made to the wall in the house, which required painting the whole inside when the repair was done. Then we put a ceramic backsplash over the kitchen sink. We cleaned out closets and by that time Toby was practically begging me to go back to work (outside of the home)!!! He was worn out. I promised him we would stop till after Christmas.  Now it's February and we are back at it. I know he keeps hoping I'll take another job some where...

There are some down sides to being retired...
      *You aren't really on a routine, you don't have to get up and take a shower if you don't
        want to. (I can honestly say, I try not to go without but...somedays.....well, call me
         before to make sure)
      *You don't see very many people and as a women, you know we have all these words we
         need to get out in a day so I find myself talking to the dog, cat, stove and if you happen
         to cross my path, I will probably keep you for longer than you want me to. (If I see you
         hide from me in the grocery store, or cross the street when you see me coming, I
         promise not to take offense.)
      *Your budget is tighter. You find yourself making choices between "needs" and "wants",
        and even the "needs" are scrutinized. Not really a bad thing.

With all of that there are some really incredible things about being retired. 
Things I truly love.
       *I get to sleep late and don't have to take a shower and get dressed if I don't want to.
       *I can visit with people where they are, for how ever long I want without having to rush.
       *I don't have to go to the grocery store on Friday night or Saturday
       *I have time to find creative ways to do things and I love that.
       *I was able to spend a lot of time with my family, even spent 3 weeks with Amber in CA
         and had so much fun. Looking forward to having the opportunity to spend more time
         with family and friends that live elsewhere.

But the very best thing about retirement - I get the opportunity to spend time in the Word.  Oh my, what a joy that is!  I study His Word, talk to Him, listen to Him, pray for others, journal.  It is such a treat for me.  Instead of a routine, I find I am taking time to seek Him and His face.  To seek His wisdom and comfort.  To walk with Him constantly through the nuances of my new stage in life.

At first upon retiring, I thought "What have I done? What am I going to do?  How am I going to live?" I have worked since I was 15 and was unsure of what to do, but God impressed upon me to REST, RELAX and REFRESH.  So I rest in Him, relax in the assurance that He is on the throne, and refresh myself with His word.  After all, He hasn't failed me yet, and He certainly hasn't finished with me yet. 

One of my very favorite scriptures is Deuteronomy 33:12 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders." I love that!  The picture of just being so weary and laying our head between the shoulders of God!  Oh what a picture!!!

Excuse me now while I go rest!!!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

December 2013

We were robbed this Christmas! I was at work and we had a Christmas Party after work, so Toby just met me at the party.  We were gone maybe 2 hours, but when we got home we had been robbed. It wasn't obvious when we first got home.  No broken doors, no broken glass, but the back porch light didn't work and had been on when Toby left, and when I went to take off my jewelry and put it on my dresser that's when I noticed it.  All the jewelry that had been on my dresser had been taken.  All my rings, the necklaces that I had left out, and some earrings.  We got to looking around and my new tennis shoes that I had bought for Toby to give me for Christmas was missing, an coat of mine, a back pack and some change. A few pieces of the jewelry had very little monetary value, but had so much sentimental value, that it really devastated me. 

As the weeks have progressed, we have noticed other things missing.  I had bought Toby a pair of pants and a shirt for Christmas, they took the shirt and left the pants (must not have been their size), a bottle of cologne that Ashley had bought for Austin, and all of Amber's Christmas presents.  I started referring to our robbery as "the gift that keeps on giving", because it seemed like every time we turned around something else was missing.

I was so furious!  I was upset, angry and very depressed.  It seemed like this was going to be the worst Christmas ever.  We had been robbed, Amber wasn't going to be able to come home, it's Austin's last Christmas at home and Toby and I were both really busy at work.  I was tired, frustrated, felt violated and just plain angry! I had no Christmas Spirit, none! I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it's about Jesus, about His birth, about Him coming to save me, but to be totally honest, I didn't feel it. To make things worse, I was on the verge of tears all the time.  If anyone said anything to me nice, mean, thoughtless, consoling, whatever, it didn't matter, I would tear up and cry.

Someone else who had been robbed told me they were praying for the person who had robbed them, hoping that they would find their way to Christ, I told them, I was praying that the cross necklace that they had stolen would burn their chest straight to their heart! Not very Christian of me was it?

God is so good though isn't He?  He took all that and used it to show me His glory and love.
We received notes, calls, gifts, hugs, and so much more from so many people.  Some gifts were so thoughtful, that I once again cried, this time because I was just so overwhelmed with the love God's people had shone and are still showing. God's love is so powerful, and I guess all I needed was a reminder of it. 

This Bible story keeps coming to me from Matthew 8. "Jesus got into a boat, and His followers went with Him. A great storm arose on the lake so that waves covered the boat, but Jesus was sleeping. His followers went to Him and woke Him, saying "Lord, save us! We will drown!" Jesus answered. "Why are you afraid?  You don't have enough faith." Then Jesus got up and gave a command to the wind and the waves, and it became completely calm. The men were amazed and said, "What kind of man is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!" That's how I felt. I was afraid, felt like I was drowning, didn't have enough faith.  Jesus spoke, He spoke through His people, He spoke through His word and He spoke through His birth. 

So what did I receive for Christmas this year?  "The gift that keeps on giving," and I am so blessed by it.   

"Be on the lookout for mercies. The more we look for them, the more of them we will see...Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles." Maltie D. Babcock

             

Amber

My Dearest Amber,

I didn’t know what to give you for your birthday.  You really don’t need anything, and what you do have is in storage, so I decided that since you are a lover of writing, I would give you the gift of words that tell you how special you are.

From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew my life would never be the same.  You were so tiny and beautiful and you were born right on your due date.  I guess that was a sign that would later transform itself into the way you always like to be on time, or ahead of time.

You were the most precious little girl, so beautiful, sweet and very shy. Hard to believe that now isn’t it?  When Austin came along, you were the best big sister and helper.  You always wanted to hold him.  You were very protective of him and still are today.  I love the bond you two have between you and how special that is.  It is something that you will both need as life progresses and we, as your parents get older.  Bless you both with that!!!

As a teenager, you went to the beat of your own drum quite a bit, which caused you some very lonely times.  I was always proud of you for taking stands that no one else would or championing the people others didn’t.  It caused you at times a lot of heartache, but in the long run, made you into the person you are today.  Of course, you and I had our challenges, my goodness did we fight!! Thank goodness we both outgrew that!  Well, sort ‘of.

Today, you are truly your own person.  You still walk to the beat of your own drum.  You have done so much and experienced so much in your young life.  Who would have ever thought that shy little girl would grow up to be a world traveler, an outspoken writer, and a very devout friend.  

I am so proud of the young women you have become.

Prayers I have for you…

            I pray you would be able to find a career that really fulfills your potential.

            I pray you would always find laughter.  It will truly get you through moments

        that are too hard otherwise.

I pray you will have many, many more adventures!

I pray you would find a home of your own, a place that would be your retreat.

I pray that you would find the peace and forgiveness you need for the wrongs

       done by churches so you would find your way back to church.

I pray you would find the peace that only comes with acceptance of your life.

I pray that God will always be a major part of your life and guide and protect

            you throughout your life.

I pray that you and Austin will always be close.  
           You will need each other.

I pray you would be happy, truly happy in your life.

Amber, I am so proud of you and so very blessed to have you as my daughter and my friend.

I love you
Mom

Year in Review

This time of year I can’t help but have a lot of random thoughts that circle my brain. Thoughts about family, beliefs, friends & possessions fill my mind and make it hard for me to close down and sleep at night. In some ways this year has been a year with a lot of upheaval, but in other ways, I guess you could say it has been freeing.


The year started with a family member calling to tell me they were tired and wanted to die. They had a loaded gun lying beside them in their bed. I was at work, and they were in Florida. With much talk and hopefully love, the person didn’t pull the trigger, but also didn’t live up to the promises made to take care of themselves and seek help. This unfortunately resulted in a very stressful situation in which I had to draw some lines.

My daughter decided rather quickly to go teach for a year in China. Amber has always gone to the beat of her own drum, and has lived away most of her adult life, but China!! I haven’t hugged her since February 7, 2012. I have been able to Skype with her and that has been huge, but I cannot wait till January 7, 2013 when I can give her a hug. I miss my girl so much. She wants to move back to California and I have to say, California isn’t so far away now. It’s all about perspective!

I had another incident with a family member in early September. I got a call from our local hospital telling me that my brother was there and needed me to go and pick him up. The surprise in this is that I hadn’t seen this particular brother in about 2 years. I didn’t even know where he was. You see, he and another of my brothers decided long ago that they didn’t like working or going by anyone else’s rules so they have been roaming from place to place for most of their lives. He asked me to take him to the bus station and buy him a ticket to Florida. When they asked if he had any luggage to check, he said no and it hit me that all he owned was in a little bag that he carried with him. Every possession he owned fit in a little sack. I can’t get over the fact that his whole life, his whole legacy, if you will, was in a little paper sack.

On a happier note, my son, Austin, proposed to his girlfriend, Ashley in September. We love her so much and can’t wait to welcome her officially into the family. The wedding will be sometime March 2014.

We all go through things, some much worse than mine and some better. This year I have had a dry spell. A time where I just haven’t felt close that close to God. It seems like things are too heavy, too much, too sad. So many have lost loved ones, so many are going through sickness and even though I haven’t had to face those things, I have still felt sadness deep in my soul this year. A heaviness of heart that makes it hard to even breathe.

This year, I have realized that just because you have the same blood doesn’t mean you are close. I have some incredible friends who will always be more like sisters to me than my own will ever be. I have an incredible immediate family, Toby, Amber, Austin & Ashley, whom I love dearly and am so blessed by God to have. I have a home, and more ‘possessions’ than I really need.

But the most important thing I have relearned this year is that God saved me, He rescued me, He loves me so much. He sent His son, as a baby, knowing that one day He would die for me. If I was the only one on the earth, He would have still sent His son to die for me! I have that assurance and I pray you do as well. What a freeing feeling that is!  This verse, one of my favorites, reminds me of this - "I will not forget you, See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15b-16a
My name is engraved on the palms of Gods hands and so is yours!