Grief

I wrote this right after I lost Toby.  I just needed to put down how I was feeling, in a sense, to purge my thoughts...Since writing this I have come to realize several things about myself and grief.

• No two people grieve the same, not the same length & not in the same way.  Each person is unique and so is their grief.
• After 43 years of marriage, my grief will not disappear in a year, or two.  As I approach the 2nd anniversary of Toby’s passing I still sometimes feel overcome with such grief that I can barely breath. I was with Toby most of my life and being without him is a journey I am still taking every day. 
• Everything changes in your life. Everything...nothing is the same. Nothing! 
• God’s got this! When I’m in the depths, God’s got this! When I can’t pray, God’s got this! When I don’t know what to do, God’s got this! When I feel guilt, God’s got this! When a light comes on in my car, God’s got this! When I’m having a great day, God’s got this! When laughter comes, God’s got this! 
• God has never abandoned me, and I will be Fine because God’s got this!

April 3, 2018

I lost my husband of almost 43 years just a little over a week ago and sometimes the grief is more than I can bear. Nothing prepares you for that overwhelming sense of loss and aloneness. My sweet Toby was a humble man and he loved me and his children, just couldn’t quit smoking. That is what ultimately took him from me. He started smoking when he was 15 and just could never kick the habit though he did try a few times. Now he is gone and I’m left to pick up the pieces of my life without him. Nothing prepares you for the moments when grief overwhelms you and you just lose it. The moments that grief hits are random and crazy, like just now I went to the grocery store to get a few things and it was the first time that I had to buy for one, I didn’t have to think about what Toby might would like to eat, or a special something for him. Just for me, just what I wanted, and all of the sudden I just lost it in the grocery store, stumbled to my car and started sobbing.  The grief so palatable that I could almost taste it and it consumed every part of me. My heart is broken and there is nothing I can do about it. Everyone says grief comes in stages, well right now I feel raw and torn and sad and angry and broken. Every part of me just wants to roll up in a ball and give in to it. People say, you are so strong, you will get through it, but right now I don’t want to get through it, I just want to wallow in it and feel every bit of it and let it consume me. They say it will get easier, how can it? I’ve known Toby since I was 19 years old, he was my life, he taught me how to love, how to be a wife, a mother, a friend, fish, clean a fish, mow a yard, cook out, garden and most importantly how to laugh and love. He loved a good laugh and a good story and now there is no one here to make me laugh or to tell me a story, or to cook for or anything and I feel lost. I know other women have gone through this and have come out ok but right now I can’t even imagine feeling ok, nor do I really want to.  

Not only is there grief, but the anger is just as real. He had been warned time and time again that he needed to take care of himself and he didn’t, he always thought he could beat it, but this time he didn’t. I think maybe he knew he had screwed up this time, somehow he knew he was dying, but I honestly thought I had more time with him. Little did I know that he would say goodnight to me and I would never see him alive again. I still can’t believe it. It’s like living in a nightmare and hoping to wake up, but you never do. Oh, Toby, why did you leave me? Oh, God, why couldn’t he stay a little longer? I need him to tell me one more time, that it’s going to be okay, one more time that he loves me. I can’t even remember if I told him I loved him before I went to bed. I hope he knows I did. I hope he knows I loved him so and I’m sorry for all the times I was so short or frustrated with him. I hope he knows that he was the love of my life and I don’t know how I will go on without him. Oh, Lord, help me!! 

My friend Bea who has been through the loss of her husband told me the thing that helped her was to get up every day and thank God for one thing about her husband so here goes.

• I'm thankful that he became a Christian and is with Jesus
• I’m thankful that he was a kind man
• I’m thankful that he loved his children
• I’m thankful that he loved me
• I’m thankful for his patience with me
• I loved his face… I’m thankful for his face
• I’m thankful that everyone liked Toby
• I’m thankful he was a good friend to everyone.  He made everyone feel important
• I’m thankful he loved a good laugh and loved to pull pranks
• I’m thankful he would tell stories about his life
• I’m thankful he loved to sit outside on the deck with me.  I really miss that.
• I’m thankful that he gave me my dogs, Isabel and Sophie
• I’m thankful that he chose me to be his wife. 
• I’m thankful that he studied the Bible with such freshness which allowed me to see the Word with new eyes. 
• I’m thankful that we went on several trips over the last few years that were really out of his comfort zone.
• I’m thankful for the good and bad times we went through. 
• I’m thankful that he was the kind of father who spent hours outside teaching his children how to throw, hit a ball and just play. 
• I’m thankful he knew how to make up games for the kids when they were stuck inside. 
• I’m thankful he wasn’t critical of my cooking in the beginning of our marriage. He basically ate whatever I fixed.
• I’m thankful for 43 years with him. 
• I’m thankful that Toby was my person.
• I'm thankful that I will see him again one day.

Frazzled

I got a little frazzled today. I know those of you that know me think that might not be so unusual, but the reason for it today was different. I was meeting someone for lunch in Auburn, arrived about 30 minutes earlier than I was supposed to so decided to sit in the car and wait. As you know the parking in Auburn is a definite issue, so wasn't really surprised to see a security guard walking around the lot I was in. As I was sitting there, a man parked, got out of his car carrying a back pack and the guard went up to him.  I didn't hear the conversation, didn't want to, don't know who was right or wrong, but what I saw really got to me. I saw two grown men yelling at each other and getting in each other's faces really arguing.  They went back and forth for about 5 minutes or so, the man got back in his car moved it to another side of the same parking lot and the security guard followed him over there and they began again. To be honest, I thought they were going to throw punches at each other because their argument seemed so intense. The place I was meeting my friend finally opened so I got out of my car and went inside glad to be in a somewhat safer place.

The interesting thing about all of this is, I was sitting in my car going over a devotional that related so much to the scene that it was like God was giving me a show and tell. In choir we are doing a devotional book together called "Draw the Circle" The 40 Day Prayer Challenge and today's was about allowing God to 'contend' for you. The very first line says "God loves it when we fight for Him. But God loves it even more when we let Him fight for us!" I couldn't help but think about all the fighting we do, basically over 'parking places' when what we really need to do it step back, hit our knees and let God 'contend' for us. 
                       Psalm 35:22-23 "O Lord, you have seen this; be not silent,
                                                    Do not be far from me, O Lord. 
                                                    Awake, and rise to my defense!    
                                                    Contend for me, my God and Lord."

My prayer today is that we would all, step back, hit our knees and let God "contend" for us.

Stuff

Everyone has stuff, some of us have too much.  I'm finding that in my own life.  I just have too much stuff.  My kids keep telling me to start getting rid of it now so they won't have to. I agree, but when it comes down to it how do I decide what to part with and what to keep?  It's a struggle.

Some of you may be good at parting with things, I know my daughter, Amber is good at helping me part with my stuff, but when it comes to her books, not so much.  She has a full library! I love my things though, not like, I couldn't live without them love, but a comfort kind of love.  They make me smile.  I have a collection of angels, and I can pretty much decorate a whole Christmas tree with nothing but angels, not to mention all the ones I have sitting around.  I know I need to part with some of them, but which ones?  How do I choose?  I can remember each one, who gave it to me, or where I got it and believe me that's saying something, when I can barely remember my own name. I also love pottery!  I just love the look and feel of a little bowl, made from some ones hands.  When I go to a arts and craft fair, that is what I am drawn to. 

So back to down sizing, how do I choose?  What do I keep and what do I choose to give up?

I remember when I was 10 and going to the Children's Home in Lakeland, I might have had the clothes I had on and maybe another set, but that was pretty much all I had.  I didn't have anything that I could say was truly mine.  That first Christmas at the Children's Home they gave me a doll. I named him Willie, don't ask me why, I just did.  I was 11.  That seems pretty old to be getting a doll, but back then we still played with dolls at 11 (at least I did). Anyway, Willie was a doll that had been pieced together.  His head is a different color from his body.  I didn't care though, I loved Willie.  The other night I got to thinking about where Willie was and I couldn't find him.  All of the sudden I went into panic mode and searched the house through.  No Willie.  I called Amber and asked her if she had Willie, she looked and said she didn't, but she didn't tease me or laugh, because Amber knows how important Willie is to me. You see, when you are alone, or feel alone, and don't have anything of your own and finally get something that is just yours, there is that feeling of comfort.  I can't really describe it to someone that's never been in that situation, but it's that feeling of having something that is yours, and doesn't have to be shared, and doesn't have to be left behind, or sold.  It's something to hold on to when your world is crumbling around you. 

I am blessed to work at BigHouse Foundation two days a week in my retirement.  It is a gift from God for me to be there, because you see...  I was one of those kids.  I was one who didn't have anything of my own, who gets taken to a place with strangers with nothing but what you have on. I  am blessed to give back in a small way. I get to meet these wonderful foster parents who take in children and treat them as their own and be a part of helping them find clothes, toys, & resources that help these parents take care of the kids entrusted to them.

I believe God gave this gift to me.  Don't get me wrong, I don't counsel the parents, or kids,  I clean refrigerators, closets, sort clothes, vacuum, but I have never felt more complete in my life.  I feel like God has led me through everything to this point. How wonderful to know that when I was 10 years old, scared and feeling alone, God knew that there would be such a time as this!

By the way, after searching everywhere and going through every tub in the utility room, I finally found Willie.  So in my decluttering, Willie will not be a casualty.  All is right with the world!


Willie

Retirement

February 11, 2016

Well, I did it! I retired and I've got to say there are some really great things about being retired as well as some...shall we say, challenging things. I retired in September and although I didn't really plan on retiring this soon, God laid it upon my heart that this was the time, so here I am....60 years old, and retired. When I first decided to retire, a friend who is already retired suggested to me that I not make any solid commitments for the first 6 months and it was some of the best advice I received. 

I worried that I wouldn't have enough to do, but that hasn't proven to be the case. The first few months, Toby and I stripped the deck, washed it down, and painted it. Then we totally emptied our utility room, built shelves, and went through everything and put it back. After that there was a repair that needed to be made to the wall in the house, which required painting the whole inside when the repair was done. Then we put a ceramic backsplash over the kitchen sink. We cleaned out closets and by that time Toby was practically begging me to go back to work (outside of the home)!!! He was worn out. I promised him we would stop till after Christmas.  Now it's February and we are back at it. I know he keeps hoping I'll take another job some where...

There are some down sides to being retired...
      *You aren't really on a routine, you don't have to get up and take a shower if you don't
        want to. (I can honestly say, I try not to go without but...somedays.....well, call me
         before to make sure)
      *You don't see very many people and as a women, you know we have all these words we
         need to get out in a day so I find myself talking to the dog, cat, stove and if you happen
         to cross my path, I will probably keep you for longer than you want me to. (If I see you
         hide from me in the grocery store, or cross the street when you see me coming, I
         promise not to take offense.)
      *Your budget is tighter. You find yourself making choices between "needs" and "wants",
        and even the "needs" are scrutinized. Not really a bad thing.

With all of that there are some really incredible things about being retired. 
Things I truly love.
       *I get to sleep late and don't have to take a shower and get dressed if I don't want to.
       *I can visit with people where they are, for how ever long I want without having to rush.
       *I don't have to go to the grocery store on Friday night or Saturday
       *I have time to find creative ways to do things and I love that.
       *I was able to spend a lot of time with my family, even spent 3 weeks with Amber in CA
         and had so much fun. Looking forward to having the opportunity to spend more time
         with family and friends that live elsewhere.

But the very best thing about retirement - I get the opportunity to spend time in the Word.  Oh my, what a joy that is!  I study His Word, talk to Him, listen to Him, pray for others, journal.  It is such a treat for me.  Instead of a routine, I find I am taking time to seek Him and His face.  To seek His wisdom and comfort.  To walk with Him constantly through the nuances of my new stage in life.

At first upon retiring, I thought "What have I done? What am I going to do?  How am I going to live?" I have worked since I was 15 and was unsure of what to do, but God impressed upon me to REST, RELAX and REFRESH.  So I rest in Him, relax in the assurance that He is on the throne, and refresh myself with His word.  After all, He hasn't failed me yet, and He certainly hasn't finished with me yet. 

One of my very favorite scriptures is Deuteronomy 33:12 "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders." I love that!  The picture of just being so weary and laying our head between the shoulders of God!  Oh what a picture!!!

Excuse me now while I go rest!!!

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

December 2013

We were robbed this Christmas! I was at work and we had a Christmas Party after work, so Toby just met me at the party.  We were gone maybe 2 hours, but when we got home we had been robbed. It wasn't obvious when we first got home.  No broken doors, no broken glass, but the back porch light didn't work and had been on when Toby left, and when I went to take off my jewelry and put it on my dresser that's when I noticed it.  All the jewelry that had been on my dresser had been taken.  All my rings, the necklaces that I had left out, and some earrings.  We got to looking around and my new tennis shoes that I had bought for Toby to give me for Christmas was missing, an coat of mine, a back pack and some change. A few pieces of the jewelry had very little monetary value, but had so much sentimental value, that it really devastated me. 

As the weeks have progressed, we have noticed other things missing.  I had bought Toby a pair of pants and a shirt for Christmas, they took the shirt and left the pants (must not have been their size), a bottle of cologne that Ashley had bought for Austin, and all of Amber's Christmas presents.  I started referring to our robbery as "the gift that keeps on giving", because it seemed like every time we turned around something else was missing.

I was so furious!  I was upset, angry and very depressed.  It seemed like this was going to be the worst Christmas ever.  We had been robbed, Amber wasn't going to be able to come home, it's Austin's last Christmas at home and Toby and I were both really busy at work.  I was tired, frustrated, felt violated and just plain angry! I had no Christmas Spirit, none! I kept reminding myself that it wasn't about me, it's about Jesus, about His birth, about Him coming to save me, but to be totally honest, I didn't feel it. To make things worse, I was on the verge of tears all the time.  If anyone said anything to me nice, mean, thoughtless, consoling, whatever, it didn't matter, I would tear up and cry.

Someone else who had been robbed told me they were praying for the person who had robbed them, hoping that they would find their way to Christ, I told them, I was praying that the cross necklace that they had stolen would burn their chest straight to their heart! Not very Christian of me was it?

God is so good though isn't He?  He took all that and used it to show me His glory and love.
We received notes, calls, gifts, hugs, and so much more from so many people.  Some gifts were so thoughtful, that I once again cried, this time because I was just so overwhelmed with the love God's people had shone and are still showing. God's love is so powerful, and I guess all I needed was a reminder of it. 

This Bible story keeps coming to me from Matthew 8. "Jesus got into a boat, and His followers went with Him. A great storm arose on the lake so that waves covered the boat, but Jesus was sleeping. His followers went to Him and woke Him, saying "Lord, save us! We will drown!" Jesus answered. "Why are you afraid?  You don't have enough faith." Then Jesus got up and gave a command to the wind and the waves, and it became completely calm. The men were amazed and said, "What kind of man is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!" That's how I felt. I was afraid, felt like I was drowning, didn't have enough faith.  Jesus spoke, He spoke through His people, He spoke through His word and He spoke through His birth. 

So what did I receive for Christmas this year?  "The gift that keeps on giving," and I am so blessed by it.   

"Be on the lookout for mercies. The more we look for them, the more of them we will see...Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles." Maltie D. Babcock

             

Amber

My Dearest Amber,

I didn’t know what to give you for your birthday.  You really don’t need anything, and what you do have is in storage, so I decided that since you are a lover of writing, I would give you the gift of words that tell you how special you are.

From the first moment I laid eyes on you, I knew my life would never be the same.  You were so tiny and beautiful and you were born right on your due date.  I guess that was a sign that would later transform itself into the way you always like to be on time, or ahead of time.

You were the most precious little girl, so beautiful, sweet and very shy. Hard to believe that now isn’t it?  When Austin came along, you were the best big sister and helper.  You always wanted to hold him.  You were very protective of him and still are today.  I love the bond you two have between you and how special that is.  It is something that you will both need as life progresses and we, as your parents get older.  Bless you both with that!!!

As a teenager, you went to the beat of your own drum quite a bit, which caused you some very lonely times.  I was always proud of you for taking stands that no one else would or championing the people others didn’t.  It caused you at times a lot of heartache, but in the long run, made you into the person you are today.  Of course, you and I had our challenges, my goodness did we fight!! Thank goodness we both outgrew that!  Well, sort ‘of.

Today, you are truly your own person.  You still walk to the beat of your own drum.  You have done so much and experienced so much in your young life.  Who would have ever thought that shy little girl would grow up to be a world traveler, an outspoken writer, and a very devout friend.  

I am so proud of the young women you have become.

Prayers I have for you…

            I pray you would be able to find a career that really fulfills your potential.

            I pray you would always find laughter.  It will truly get you through moments

        that are too hard otherwise.

I pray you will have many, many more adventures!

I pray you would find a home of your own, a place that would be your retreat.

I pray that you would find the peace and forgiveness you need for the wrongs

       done by churches so you would find your way back to church.

I pray you would find the peace that only comes with acceptance of your life.

I pray that God will always be a major part of your life and guide and protect

            you throughout your life.

I pray that you and Austin will always be close.  
           You will need each other.

I pray you would be happy, truly happy in your life.

Amber, I am so proud of you and so very blessed to have you as my daughter and my friend.

I love you
Mom

Year in Review

This time of year I can’t help but have a lot of random thoughts that circle my brain. Thoughts about family, beliefs, friends & possessions fill my mind and make it hard for me to close down and sleep at night. In some ways this year has been a year with a lot of upheaval, but in other ways, I guess you could say it has been freeing.


The year started with a family member calling to tell me they were tired and wanted to die. They had a loaded gun lying beside them in their bed. I was at work, and they were in Florida. With much talk and hopefully love, the person didn’t pull the trigger, but also didn’t live up to the promises made to take care of themselves and seek help. This unfortunately resulted in a very stressful situation in which I had to draw some lines.

My daughter decided rather quickly to go teach for a year in China. Amber has always gone to the beat of her own drum, and has lived away most of her adult life, but China!! I haven’t hugged her since February 7, 2012. I have been able to Skype with her and that has been huge, but I cannot wait till January 7, 2013 when I can give her a hug. I miss my girl so much. She wants to move back to California and I have to say, California isn’t so far away now. It’s all about perspective!

I had another incident with a family member in early September. I got a call from our local hospital telling me that my brother was there and needed me to go and pick him up. The surprise in this is that I hadn’t seen this particular brother in about 2 years. I didn’t even know where he was. You see, he and another of my brothers decided long ago that they didn’t like working or going by anyone else’s rules so they have been roaming from place to place for most of their lives. He asked me to take him to the bus station and buy him a ticket to Florida. When they asked if he had any luggage to check, he said no and it hit me that all he owned was in a little bag that he carried with him. Every possession he owned fit in a little sack. I can’t get over the fact that his whole life, his whole legacy, if you will, was in a little paper sack.

On a happier note, my son, Austin, proposed to his girlfriend, Ashley in September. We love her so much and can’t wait to welcome her officially into the family. The wedding will be sometime March 2014.

We all go through things, some much worse than mine and some better. This year I have had a dry spell. A time where I just haven’t felt close that close to God. It seems like things are too heavy, too much, too sad. So many have lost loved ones, so many are going through sickness and even though I haven’t had to face those things, I have still felt sadness deep in my soul this year. A heaviness of heart that makes it hard to even breathe.

This year, I have realized that just because you have the same blood doesn’t mean you are close. I have some incredible friends who will always be more like sisters to me than my own will ever be. I have an incredible immediate family, Toby, Amber, Austin & Ashley, whom I love dearly and am so blessed by God to have. I have a home, and more ‘possessions’ than I really need.

But the most important thing I have relearned this year is that God saved me, He rescued me, He loves me so much. He sent His son, as a baby, knowing that one day He would die for me. If I was the only one on the earth, He would have still sent His son to die for me! I have that assurance and I pray you do as well. What a freeing feeling that is!  This verse, one of my favorites, reminds me of this - "I will not forget you, See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:15b-16a
My name is engraved on the palms of Gods hands and so is yours!

Looking Up!!!

I am intrigued by the fact that Isabel will spend hours looking up. She is a bird dog, but that’s not what holds her interest. She watches squirrels. (That’s not to say that she doesn’t chase birds, ‘cause she does…there’s not a bird that comes in our yard that doesn’t get attention. That’s not her main focus though.) She will sit for hours a day and just look up at the trees. The squirrels will run up and down the trees and jump from tree to tree, almost as if they are teasing her. She just watches. Sometimes, if they do a lot of running up and down the tree she will run around the tree, barking and chasing. It’s almost as if they have a game going on. On a couple of occasions, she has been so still and quiet that she has actually managed to put her paws on a squirrel. Once she caught one and it startled her so that she lost it almost as soon as she got it. Another time she caught a smaller squirrel and Toby happened to be out back and made her let it go. She was fine with that. To her it’s not so much about the catching as it is about the waiting, the watching, the patient expectation. So she spends hours just sitting under the tree, very still, looking up.

When I am out on the deck watching her, I am reminded that as Christians, that’s how we should be. We should always be looking up. We should strive to be still, watching, waiting and patiently expectant, while always looking up. We run around ‘barking and chasing’ wondering why we haven’t been able to get what we want. Then when we do ‘catch’ what we think we want, we are surprised that it’s not what we really needed or wanted. So, we go back to the foot of the tree and look up, waiting with patient expectation, knowing that God knows what we really need to ‘catch’.

Second Chances

Something happened to me today that really made me take a look at myself as a person.

I went to work earlier than usual, got there around 8:00, went ahead and unlocked the door, turned on the light and sat down at my computer. I turned my computer on, then proceeded to eat my breakfast. I treat myself every Friday to a mocha and biscuit from Burger King. As I was looking at my computer and eating an elderly man came in with his t-shirt on backwards, shuffling his feet and walked right up to me at the computer. I was the only one here, so I must say he startled me. I asked if I could help him and he said he was going to the food bank, but was waiting on a ride to take him and he wanted to know if I had a cup of coffee he could have. Well, I’ve gotta say that basically I told him no I couldn’t help him as I was ushering him out he door and that I was sorry. He walked out the door and left.

Now, before you go and judge me, let me be the first to say that I know I’m a cynical human being and have very little mercy. I guess part of it is because of my own family.

I have two brothers I have tried to help all my life. They don’t work, have never held a steady job, and basically just want you to give them a handout. I have helped them throughout my life until just a year or so ago and I finally told them ‘no more’. I told them not to call me anymore unless it was to say hello. Since then I haven’t heard a word from them. When I say brothers, most think of boys, but my brothers are both in their 50’s, and just roam from place to place. They are alcoholics and who knows what else they are addicted to, they are basically homeless and they steal from you while they are looking you in the face. Most of my life I have felt responsible and have tried to help them but finally realized I have been enabling them, so I set some boundaries. Also, working where I work, we have on any given day, numerous calls & visits from folks wanting assistance, some who just work the system.

Unfortunately, because of these things I have become cynical, which is unbelievable considering how much I have been blessed by people. I have on any number of occasions received ‘surprises’ of groceries, financial help, physical help and gifts. God knows that of all people, I have the most reason to extend mercy, but yet, it is a continuous struggle with me.

Anyway, back to the story…After the man left, I sat here, eating my breakfast, and started really feeling bad. All I could think about was the passage in Hebrews 13:2 “Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing.” All I could think about was, what if this was a test from God and I failed miserably? I got up, ran to the door, determined to find the guy and see if I could help him. Of course he was no where around. I came back to my desk, feeling miserable with myself, and began to ask God for another chance. Since no one was here yet, I spoke it out loud. Told God, I was really sorry I had failed if this was indeed a test and asked for another chance. Everyone started coming in to begin the day, and I’m still looking at my computer, feeling like I really blew it with God, and praying that he gives me another opportunity.

About 9:00 in walks the guy again, comes right to my desk and asks me if he can have something to eat. Now this was unusual for him to come back, come straight to my desk, and ask me, because I had pretty much shut him out earlier. I jumped up went to another lady in the office and asked her if we still have crackers from the youth mission trip. She goes with me to the Youth building and we find some apple juice and several packs of crackers and I get them and take them to the man. He thanks me and after he leaves I thank God that he gave me a second chance to make it right.

Now, I’m not saying that he was an angel, he certainly didn’t look the part…I’m also not saying that it will keep me from being cynical, because it probably won’t… what I am saying is that for this moment in time, God gave me a second chance…For this moment in time, God allowed me a chance to see someone as he sees them, not as I see them.

Thank you God that you are a God of second chances and thank You that You see me and accept me as Yours, and not as I am. Thank you for not looking at me the way I looked at that man, but instead looking at me as a child of Yours, worthy of second chances.

Hormone Hell

A friend gave Toby and I tickets to the Clemson game. We were excited because we don’t get to go to many games and Clemson promised to be a good game. I was glad it was a night game, because Toby has had some heart problems and I thought it would be better for him sitting through the game at night, instead of in the heat of the day.

Toby decided that we would be able to find a parking spot, so instead of riding the transit, we drove. We spent quite a long time trying to find a parking spot. We finally parked almost to Wrights Mill Road School – no joke…and we began the long trek to the stadium. I started out a little worried about Toby, because it was extremely hot and humid and so I kept stopping and asking him how he was doing. In the meantime, I was becoming hotter and hotter. The more I stopped and asked Toby how he was doing, the more he noticed that I was getting redder and redder, but being the southern gentleman that he was raised to be, he didn’t say anything. (Okay, I had on a sleeveless shirt, a pair of lightweight Capri pants, and flip flops, so I had on the ‘airiest’ clothes I had while still being in public.) Anyway, we finally got to the stadium. I thought I was going to die!!! I was so hot!!! I felt like I was literally going to burn up. Toby and I went in and stayed in the shade a little bit, taking in the slight hot breeze. I kept asking Toby how he was doing and he kept saying he was fine. I guess part of me was hoping that he was as hot and miserable as I was. Sad, but true, misery does love company. We found our seats, in the upper deck, in the sun and sat down. We were right on the isle, right behind the stairs, so people kept coming up and down and for some reason that just made me hotter. I made it through the 1st quarter and ½ and finally told Toby I needed to go and try to find some cool air. At that point, Toby commented that I did look a little hot. A little hot!!! I felt like I was on fire!!! I went and stood in the entrance and took in the breeze, but no matter how I tried I couldn’t get cool. I stood there through the 1st part of half time, then I looked up at Toby and told him that I needed to go home. He nodded and came down. At that point, He said he was worried about me because I was really red. I wanted to snap his head off and tell him, yes, not only was I red, but I was miserable! Being the somewhat proper person I try to be, I didn’t though. I merely said that I needed to go home and get cool. He nodded and said he was fine with that. A wise man!!!

On the way out of the stadium we saw those little rickshaw bikes and I decided to see how much they would charge to take us to our cars. I thought that would be fun and much cooler than trying to walk all the way back to the car. He took one look at us and said it would be $30.00 to take us two blocks over. Toby said he was figuring how hard he would have to peddle to get us anywhere. I was not amused! Of course we declined, but I really didn’t know if I could make it all the way back to my car. We did of course, and Toby cranked up the air as high as he could and we went home and watched the 2nd half of the game in the wonderful coolness of our home.

When I was retelling this to a friend of mine over lunch one day, of course she was laughing, but then she said, I was living in “hormone hell”. Never heard it called that before, but realized that was exactly what it was.

As some of you ladies know, it’s a miserable feeling. For those who are too young to have experienced “hormone hell” yet, let me just say that very little prepares you for the mood swings, hot flashes, memory loss and just basically wanting to annihilate something when experiencing a severe hot flash.

As I was thinking about this experience, I couldn’t help but think that what I went through is nowhere near how hot Hell will be and I’m so thankful that I won’t be there! Hallelujah!

Snakes

I hate snakes! There, I've said it and I'll say it again...I hate snakes! I know there are some of you who would agree with me, while there are a few who would disagree. Oh, I've heard all the arguments about snakes... they are good to keep rodents down, they are creatures of God, but I hate snakes. I don't care if they are red, yellow, green, grey, or if they are good snakes or bad snakes. To me the only good snake is a dead snake!!!

I've got to say that in my life, I've had more than my share of close encounters with snakes. My first close encounter was when my children were smaller. Toby was watching a football game, the kids were in their rooms and I was in our utility room changing over laundry and a snake appeared in the utility room and I freaked out. It had me blocked from the door and I did what any one in my position would do, I jumped up on top of the washing machine, hitting my shoulder on the cabinet and started screaming. The snake tried to go up the washing machine toward me. I continued screaming and I'm ashamed to say, lost control of bodily functions(wet my pants). There, I said it. I'm not proud, but I was terrified. Toby finally heard me, came out and saw the snake, tried to calm me down, but when the snake changed direction and started coming at him, he grabbed the only thing he could find, a plunger and plunged it to death. Good riddance, I say! Anyway, since that moment, I have had countless encounters with snakes. The most recent ones, about a week ago, I was going to my car in my front yard, saw what I thought was a stick, walked over to pick it up and it started moving. I ran back inside screaming "Toby, there's a snake," he came out and killed it. Just today, when we were coming in from lunch, we saw one slither off under the house. That makes me feel real secure!!!

Anyway, I look at the verse in Genesis 3:15 where it says "I will put hostility between you and the woman and between your seed and her seed. He will strike your head and you will strike his heel;" and I think God must have been thinking of me when he wrote that verse. There is definite hostility between me and a snake, and to my mind, if given the opportunity, the snake will be struck down.

Mothers

I wrote this right after Mothers day 2010.With Mother's Day just past, it has me thinking a lot about Mothers. In particular, what makes a good mother? I looked up the definition of Mother in the dictionary and it is defined as "female parent; act as a mother to." I looked Mother up in the Bible dictionary and it also said, "the female parent of a household." It stated that in the Hebrew family, the mother occupied a higher position than that enjoyed by women in many other nations. The love and nurturing of God is sometimes compared to the love and caring a mother gives to a newborn child.

So what makes a good Mother?

My own Mother wasn't exactly an example that I would want to emulate. She was 17 and unmarried when I was born, got married shortly after my birth, than had 5 more children before she was 26. She was widowed at the age of 28, and died at the age of 31. She had a very short, sad life and for that I am sorry. She never knew God, she never really knew happiness and she never knew how to be a mother, or what having a loving mother was like. It has taken me years myself to get to this point, to the point that I can actually feel sad for her, to forgive her, and to yes, love her despite everything. So looking at my own Mother I certainly didn't get an answer there, but looking at others, I have seen examples of mothers that I truly believe are from God.

I have witnessed countless examples of good loving mothers. In church one Sunday night, I watched a young mother with her newborn baby beside her in a carrier, and the look of love in that mother's eyes while she watched her baby sleeping, the gentleness in the way she tucked the cover around her was so touching to me. Another time, a young child came to where her mother was standing and was trying to get her attention, the mother continued her thought and then immediately looked down, put her hands around the child's face, looked directly into her eyes and sweetly asked her what she wanted to tell her. This to me, let the child know that she had her mother's undivided attention and she was the most important person to her. I have witnessed how a mother will drop everything to take care of a handicapped child with love and compassion, while still making that child feel strong and confident. I have seen the heartbreak of a mother losing a child, and watched her mourn, while still keeping hold of her faith.

I have had personal examples of good mothers in my own life. One of my best friends growing up would invite me over and her mother was wonderful. The love she had for her family was so apparent. The fun they had eating dinner together, playing together, joking together, was something that I wanted. I was envious of my friend, but thankful to be a part of that for even a short time. There were other women who touched my life in many ways and left examples for me. My housemother was one. She wasn't openly affectionate, but in her way I could tell she cared for me. I was with her 7 years, almost longer than I was with my real mother. There was a lady who was a 'sponsor' to me who would write me long letters about her life and her family and would send me gifts, she even baked me brownies when I left and went out on my own. I never met her, but she left her mark on me. There have been countless others, teachers, Sunday school teachers, some of my friend's mothers, all who have in some way made an impression.

The Bible says in John 14:18 "I will not leave you as orphans; I am coming to you." I believe that is exactly what God did. He came to me, He didn't leave me alone. He helped me to be a mother. He guided my heart and my steps. I was so afraid of becoming a mother. So afraid that I would be like my own mother. God didn't leave me, He was with me every step of the way. What I lacked in example, God showed me with love.

So, what makes a good mother? I wish I could give you an answer. I guess, loving, praying, guiding, spending time, disciplining when needed, listening to your child, listening to your own instincts about things, and praying some more. I believe it is important to never give up on your child! Always pray for them and leave them in God's hands. After all, he loves them more than we can possibly comprehend, just as He loves us.

I myself can only hope that in time, I will be remembered as a good mother, and when I get to heaven, God will say...you loved those I gave to you as I love you.

College Girls

I've been thinking a lot today about College Girls. My Bible Study groups, present and past in particular. I've come to some really frank realizations about myself and these wonderful young ladies that I have been privileged to get to know.

First - They are as a group seekers! They are spending their time at college, seeking...careers, friends, future husbands, where they belong and who they are. While studying and enjoying college life, they are forever seeking ways to figure out exactly who they are and what kind of person they want to be.

Second - They are passionate! They are passionate about everything, from their friends to their music, to the movies they watch, to the positions they take on any given topic. When you get them talking about something they are passionate about they truly become animated and alive. I love that! I love watching them and listening to them.

Third - When they make a decision to commit, they do so with their whole heart. They just want to be seen as people with a true voice and heart.

In this way, I love college girls. I started doing the first Bible Study as a way to fill my empty house. After raising two kids and having them and their friends hang out here all the time, when my kids left, the friends went with them and the house became incredibly quiet. I felt that leading a group of college girls would be a way to fill the house again with young people. What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that not only would they fill my house, but they would fill my heart as well. My first group of girls were so amazing! Most of them were with me for three years and when they graduated and left, it was like losing my kids all over again. These girls became my girls. I have been to two weddings and hope to go to more. I hope to see their babies one day. After they left I thought I just couldn't do it again, I couldn't go through another group, so I took a year off. When I was asked if I would do a group this year, I prayed about it and decided I would. Once again, I have been blessed with another amazing group of girls, who have filled my heart. I hope to one day go to their weddings and see their babies as well.

I am so blessed to be a part of these young ladies lives. I love that they seek. Every week, they come to Bible Study seeking...seeking to know God's Word. Seeking to see what He has to say to them. Seeking for ways to serve Him. I love that they have passion. They are so passionate about Him and what He says to them. I love to hear them discuss a passage and what it means to them, or discuss why Paul or James would say that. It thrills me to see them seeking God and being passionate. But what really warms my heart is that they are so committed. When there are so many things pulling at them, they have committed to studying God's Word, to learning about Him and what He is trying to say to them and for that I feel truly blessed to know these girls.

How has this changed my life? Well for one thing, getting to know these girls has once again filled my home with laughter, lots of talking and fun. For another, it makes me feel energized. Just being around a room full of College girls energizes me. I find myself listening to them while they are eating dinner and talking and sometimes just smile to myself. They are just plain fun to be around! Being around them has me wanting to be more like them. Well, maybe not young, but I want to be known as seeking, passionate and committed. I want to be always seeking God's will. I want to be passionate about what He is trying to tell me and I want to be committed to Him.

I am blessed to know these young ladies and to have them as a part of my life. God knew what I needed and filled it without me even realizing it. God is so very good isn't He?